Trust the Process: A Journal of Trans Exploration Through Arsenal Football Club

Arsenal is currently in a transfer drama regarding the signing of Dusan Vlahovic. He is one of the hottest prospects out there right now: he is 21 years old, hyper-athletic, hyper-lethal in front of goal, determined, and won't be signed for cheap. The news going around are that Arsenal see his signing as the one that takes them 'to the next level', which, to some extent, I agree with.  Yesterday I saw Vlahovic play and watched some of his highlights and finally understood what he is about and what Arsenal could look like with him. His signing would mean that the team is ready to really be ambitious, to truly aim to become the best possible Arsenal that can exist. That's the bet Arsenal wants to make in Vlahovic - no more waiting for other pieces of the puzzle to be in the right position, for the right time, or for anything else. This is the right time. Regardless of any other factor, Arsenal wants to prove to itself and to others through the signing of Vlahovic that w...

 Yesterday, while high, I wrote as I realized this: The reason why intense passing is my favorite playing style is because I felt (and feel) alone—Other—amongst the men I played with and I craved connection on the field. That's why Arsenal is part of my gender expression - their game has always been all about connection, more so since I fell in love with them when I saw THAT goal against Norwich. My favorite goal in history, all about connection. That goal showed me what I was seeking in the field because I was Other to men, a woman already back then, and that informed my early support for Arsenal. Feeling Other to men is a feeling I can trace throughout my life. When Arsenal plays well, I see myself flourishing.  Anyway, here's the goal:

 It feels like a while since the last Arsenal game and a lot has happened! Arsenal were almost  there on New Year's against Manchester City and now, 9 days later, a game will be played against Nottingham Forest after our game vs Liverpool got postponed. In the meantime, I got Covid, the Vlahovic saga boomed, and chaos of all sorts has been unleashed. It feels like I've been waiting a while for this game - particularly with isolation, as there's not much to do or see. In a way, my experience with Arsenal is rooted in an experience of waiting: waiting for the next game, waiting for the next signing, waiting until we play Champions League football again, waiting until our young players peak, and so on. There's much to be said about the ways Arsenal has taught me both patience and to appreciate the journey when the destination is uncertain.  But sometimes, it is indeed about getting there: Tomorrow there will be a game. This might be the season we return to the Champions Le...

  AN INTRODUCTION FROM LONDON CORRESPONDENT Hey readers, I’m here to inaugurate a new segment on Max’s trans/cendental Arsenal blog - London Correspondent ! Needless to say, I am currently corresponding from London. I have been in the UK for approximately 3 hours and I’m right now taking the tube from Heathrow to my place of residence. I am passing by the Arsenal station, and it is getting me excited despite my lack of sleep! I’ll be living here in London until the summer and I thought it would be pretty fun or at the very least funny to record my experiences following Arsenal from their actual home. Hence, London Correspondent! Maybe come next season I’ll correspond from elsewhere. But there’s more about me! I’m Kat, Max’s anchor partner. My pronouns are they/she but with an occasional, intimate he thrown into the mix. I’m generally speaking a nonbinary woman who’s used both the labels bisexual and lesbian throughout the years, though lately I’ve been leaning towards the latter! I...

 Arsenal played Manchester City in the Premier League on New Year's and lost 1-2. The game, however, was beauty and this Arsenal looked full of light today and for the future. I watched the game with my friends as they all stayed up waiting for sunrise - the game was at 6:30 am in Mexico. I think this game set the tone for the year. Last year, I confronted and sweeped away many of my fears in so many areas of life. I feel more like myself since I began that quest and I even came out to myself again in September. This year, I have a lot of hope of what will flourish in the space that fear left behind. For the first time in years, Arsenal played Man City and I allowed myself to feel hopeful. It was a small flame to kindle, and I felt it before, during, and after the game. Even after Arsenal lost, it was just so clear the journey is moving through the right path. With that in mind, how things go today barely even matter. I did not feel like I needed to extinguish my own flame to avoid...

 This weekend I realized just how important sharing is for me to feel joy. That's part of my trans ontology: "to be queer is always to become queer with many" (Nuñez, 2021). In my experience, I feel like I am re-born when I share who I am with people who can see me as I want them to see me. My non-binary journey of being many people ("to be non-binary is to become as many") relies on me finding affirming to share myself with. I need to share myself to feel like myself because gender is always collective. I realized the importance of sharing this weekend when I briefly shut away someone I share a lot of my life with. I felt pain grieving the opportunity to share my everyday with them and, when I finally changed my mind and appreciated what sharing gives me in my life, I felt so much joy literally come back to my body.  Giving is always receiving, sharing establishes reciprocity.  My experience of being an Arsenal changed drastically when I began sharing it with m...

 Arsenal beat Norwich 5-0 on Boxing Day. I really needed that. When I first came out as non-binary, my mum was the only person who knew during Christmas three years ago. My family has always been 'queer inclusive', but what it really means is that I won't be homeless for being queer (which I'm really grateful for!), but it will always be expected for me to 'act normal', like a member of the family. There's not much effort done to see me or affirm me (it's the neoliberal and individualistic model of gender! But my gender is collective and it feels like there's no space for that with my family). This year, as a non-binary woman, only my grandma knows. Christmas is always isolating and saddening for me. I was in a big emotional pit over the last few days. Luckily, I turned it around yesterday as I leaned into an abundance mindset, leaving my struggle with scarcity (of affection, of recognition, of connection) behind. It was a difficult journey, but I am...

Arsenal has done well lately and it all seems to be aligning for a glowing and blossoming team in the next few years as this batch of youth players finds its place in the team.  Sometimes I feel like the only thing that could stop them is their masculine egos—will they bounce back when their in-form egos are punctured by a series of defeats? Or will they lose themselves? So far, they've kept bouncing back. I wonder what seeing this, having this worry, says about me. Maybe it is a question that emerges in me: when who I am is invalidated by others, will I let myself be defeated by that? Now that I'm in places where I don't feel very safe, I've opted to hide who I am trying to protect myself. But maybe that's not what I ought to do. Perhaps my fears, projected onto Arsenal, are about how capable I feel of bouncing back, how sure I feel of myself. I feel quite sure, my voice has been really loud lately!  Maybe I should expose myself one day in order to confront that fe...

 Lately, Arsenal has done well and so have I. Arsenal seems to mirror my gender exploration journey sometimes. I flew away from my anchor partner almost two weeks ago. I was (and still am) scared—I came out to them in September and that marked a re-birth for me. I'd only known life as a trans non-binary woman with her and a few other trans siblings. Coming back home and re-learning life without them is scary. Being in my house in Mexico, a place where I learned to suppress myself so much for years, is tricky to navigate too when I feel just so loud, so much here. Fortunately , I haven't struggled that much. I have found some outlets and refuges where I can feel like myself and, unsurprisingly, Arsenal has been at the heart of it. The most significant one has been perhaps in Costa Rica. I went to Costa Rica and felt like I found myself. In a perfect alignment of events that felt like destiny, I ended up on a 'date' with a trans sibling on my last day there. It was my fir...

It was during our latest game, a 3-2 defeat away against Manchester United, that I realized (part of) what Arsenal does for me and my queerness. I want to share those realizations which inspired me to start this blog: December 2 2021 I realized that following Arsenal is a way of narrativizing myself. I am always looking for ‘the narrative’—Pépé’s redemption, Aubameyang’s leadership, Nuno’s learning journey, Ramsdale proving he deserves support, and so on. The way I watch the game is always in communication with the team and the players' ‘point to prove’. Arsenal must become its ‘true self’, be where it belongs. But I know there is nothing to prove, they are always already who they are: extremely talented players with an enormous future, especially this young team that has been put together. They always speak about the ‘Arsenal DNA’ as if it is a way of playing, but I don’t think so. I think the Arsenal DNA is about becoming , developing, and flourishing while aiming for the high...

Hello! My name is Max, I'm a 21-year old trans non-binary woman (they/she pronouns), a college student... and a BIG Arsenal fan.  Unfortunately, I don't have a nice typical story about how I fell in love with Arsenal. Many people I know have stories such as ' when I was 7 years old I watched a game with my dad and Thierry Henry scored the goal that made me fall in love with football!', but I don't. I simply do not remember how or when I began supporting Arsenal.  All I know is that, by the summer prior to the 2014/2015 campaign, when I was 14, there was no going back. I remember eagerly following the transfer rumours of Alexis Sánchez and David Ospina coming to the club, laughing at Wenger's (sexy?) beach pictures in Brazil, and watching the unveiling event for the new Puma kit that summer, but I can remember nothing about my love for the club before then. I think I was excited when we won the FA Cup earlier that year, but my memory is too weak to say in any cer...