A Fear

Arsenal has done well lately and it all seems to be aligning for a glowing and blossoming team in the next few years as this batch of youth players finds its place in the team. 

Sometimes I feel like the only thing that could stop them is their masculine egos—will they bounce back when their in-form egos are punctured by a series of defeats? Or will they lose themselves? So far, they've kept bouncing back.

I wonder what seeing this, having this worry, says about me. Maybe it is a question that emerges in me: when who I am is invalidated by others, will I let myself be defeated by that?

Now that I'm in places where I don't feel very safe, I've opted to hide who I am trying to protect myself. But maybe that's not what I ought to do. Perhaps my fears, projected onto Arsenal, are about how capable I feel of bouncing back, how sure I feel of myself. I feel quite sure, my voice has been really loud lately! 

Maybe I should expose myself one day in order to confront that fear... but I think I want to find a comfortable place to return to before I do that. I don't have that yet here. Things are beginning to align, pieces falling in place, friends seeing me and loving me, and so on, but there's no trans headquarters I get to go back yet. That's what I'm in search for right now. 

In my life, I'm in search for a trans headquarters. What am I searching for when it comes to Arsenal?