Man Utd 3-2 Arsenal: Realizations

It was during our latest game, a 3-2 defeat away against Manchester United, that I realized (part of) what Arsenal does for me and my queerness. I want to share those realizations which inspired me to start this blog:

December 2 2021

I realized that following Arsenal is a way of narrativizing myself. I am always looking for ‘the narrative’—Pépé’s redemption, Aubameyang’s leadership, Nuno’s learning journey, Ramsdale proving he deserves support, and so on. The way I watch the game is always in communication with the team and the players' ‘point to prove’. Arsenal must become its ‘true self’, be where it belongs. But I know there is nothing to prove, they are always already who they are: extremely talented players with an enormous future, especially this young team that has been put together.

They always speak about the ‘Arsenal DNA’ as if it is a way of playing, but I don’t think so. I think the Arsenal DNA is about becoming, developing, and flourishing while aiming for the highest standards. It’s about a process and a journey, usually and hopefully with a happy ending.

Is that why I was drawn to Arsenal years ago?

Is that what I see in my own exploration of gender and sexuality?

The Arteta project is all about that — can he become the one who truly and fully brings Arsenal to its beautiful form? I feel hope. Today, in Arsenal, I don’t find the need to see them win every game, but rather I look for the hope, the glimpses of the future that show me what Arsenal can become, almost like myself, searching for glimpses of my future womanhood—who I can become.  I wonder how all this maps onto and influences my own life and my narratives of becoming. Maybe Arsenal has been a conduit for transness all along. After all, it has been when when I’ve felt most hope that I came to know myself as ‘just’ non-binary first (when we went like 20 games unbeaten under Emery), and as a trans (non-binary) woman later, now with this very promising project underway at the club.

I will keep track of how narratives evolve in my relationship with Arsenal in ways that make the experience unique to myself, not merely in response to the narratives that circulate in Twitter and the media. In these narratives, I think that Arsenal can be a mirror through which I see myself, finding in my desire for Arsenal to blossom no distinction from my own desire to keep unfolding and flourishing.

Following Arsenal, after all, has never been about just winning. I would support City or PSG if that's what I cared about. I would stick to a sad cis life if I merely cared about an easy life. It's the journey what matters, just as with my own queerness.

Some questions that linger:

Do I have a point to prove? What is there to flourish in me? What does the future hold? What will my response be if Arsenal lets me down?