When Arsenal Does Well

 Lately, Arsenal has done well and so have I. Arsenal seems to mirror my gender exploration journey sometimes.

I flew away from my anchor partner almost two weeks ago. I was (and still am) scared—I came out to them in September and that marked a re-birth for me. I'd only known life as a trans non-binary woman with her and a few other trans siblings. Coming back home and re-learning life without them is scary. Being in my house in Mexico, a place where I learned to suppress myself so much for years, is tricky to navigate too when I feel just so loud, so much here.

Fortunately , I haven't struggled that much. I have found some outlets and refuges where I can feel like myself and, unsurprisingly, Arsenal has been at the heart of it.

The most significant one has been perhaps in Costa Rica. I went to Costa Rica and felt like I found myself. In a perfect alignment of events that felt like destiny, I ended up on a 'date' with a trans sibling on my last day there. It was my first time actively showing myself as a woman in public space (usually I do it indoors, then explore outdoors once I know how I'm being seen), speaking Spanish, being high in public space, and even entering a women's bathroom. I was also in a place I don't know at all: what could happen, how I was perceived, how they were perceived, and how we were perceived holding hands while walking in the streets were all unanswered questions. And yet, I felt safe with them. Trans people and queer women (if they are neurodivergent and/or not white) make me feel safe, and when I feel safe I feel like myself.

That's why it was a day in which I felt like I found myself. Through them—my date—I felt how one of the biggest walls I had put up to fragment myself was being demolished. I could feel like myself in Spanish, a feat I thought I was not  capable of. Knowing I can be myself in Spanish, my experience in Mexico has been entirely different. Through them I found balance between different parts of me, something that I now understand is incredibly important to being self-content. This has cosmological implications for me too! That day I felt like being born: my experience of the world reset to a beginning—I became the little girl in me that I love so much, curious about understanding her place in the world, the structure of the universe, and her purpose in it. Everything has felt so new since, and I consider that day (December 15) one of my birthdays. It was one of the days in which I met myself and stepped onto the world. Likewise, it was a day of potentialities: being born entails growing and flourishing. Before, I was not so sure I was there, but now, certain about my existence in the world, I know I will grow if I'm the right environment, as any unique form of life does. I will be the woman I want to be. In fact, in some (many!) ways, I already am. All I have to do to feel this is put myself in the right places.

Coincidentally, Arsenal won against West Ham that day. It was a very significant match—it meant that Arsenal returned to the 4th spot, 'back to where it belongs' (since the entire narrative around Arsenal for the last 5 years has been about returning to play UCL football, achieved by being 4th place in the EPL), and still has so much future ahead of itself. It's the youngest team in the league and full of young players whose future shines and shines. The hope that this batch of players makes me feel is incredible. Arsenal is not only back to where it should be, back to itself, but also heading towards an enormous blooming. I think I see myself in this Arsenal—I am already there, where I want to be, as a woman, yet I still have so much more to grow into. Arsenal, already in 4th place but being the youngest team in the league, mirrors how I feel about my gender becomings today.

But, conversely, I realized that Arsenal has also taught me a lot about appreciation, especially since I began watching with my anchor partner this year. I grew up in a house in which only perfection was acceptable, particularly in terms of presentation (cleanliness, orderliness, and so on). I have never felt safe expressing myself and experimenting with who I am here because of that. Arsenal, always messy and ready to disappoint just when it all seems to be coming together, has taught me to love imperfection. An incredibly transcendental piece of wisdom in my gender journey has been that appreciation is my bridge to abundance. In learning to appreciate what Arsenal has to offer (a youngster's debut, a cheeky pass, a nice goalkeeper save, and so on), I have learned to appreciate what is already there. That is a trans utopia, as I've learned from utopian theory (Nirta, 2019): to recognize myself as someone who is already here is to bring the utopia of my future into the present. Appreciating Arsenal today despite what it may become has taught me to appreciate myself today despite not yet being all the people who I may become (for being non-binary people is to be more than one person).

One of these appreciations comes through Aaron Ramsdale, Arsenal's recently signed 23-year old goalkeeper. I see myself in him for several reasons. He is a goalkeeper and I am a goalkeeper too (as a subjectivity, not only in terms of skills). Both of us have a similar eccentric playing style and a smile doing what we do. We love being in goal. In fact, he is one of the youngest goalkeepers in the league just as I was when I was 14 and playing in Mexican 3rd division. Most crucially, Ramsdale also thinks of himself as the re-incarnation of his grandad and brings his ashes everywhere. I think of myself as a re-incarnation of by grandma. She is such a loving person, so accepting, and I feel that I am too. She studied anthropology (eve if she didn't finish) and I am an anthropologist both academically and in spirit as well. Most importantly, she grew up as a brown 'machorra' (butch) who learned not to care about other people's opinions about what makes her feel good. I see myself in her, word by word, in that way. I am really grateful to still be able to listen to her and to show myself to her while feeling safe.

I also really love Odegaard and Saka. They are two players whose best talent is to connect with others—they adapt, they react, and make themselves flexible to amplify their own energy and their teammate's energy. They can combine with quick not-so-technical players like Aubameyang as well as they can create symphonies with each other. They remind me of my partner and me when they do their beautiful combinations on the field. They are so intelligent in that way, and I think of myself as someone who is capable of the same type of flexible capacity for connection too. Likewise, I find Martinelli's joy in playing beautiful, and so on and so on. For my birthday my partner made a collage of me saying I am 'Max-inelli' and photoshopped my face into Martinelli's body celebrating a goal. It was such a beautiful gift, for I do want to let myself feel as much joy as Martinelli feels! Joy and connection are the arts of these players, and I think of these as some of my arts as well. My main art, however, might be curiosity, which I do not know yet if I see in Arsenal.

It's interesting to think of how I have come to find such a projection of myself in Arsenal. I think this happened because, given that I didn't feel safe expressing myself in this house, I found in Arsenal a refuge, something I could care about without feeling guilty or at risk. I literally moved to this house while Arsenal was playing Monaco in the UCL in 2015. Once I found Arsenal as a safe space, I never stopped pouring myself into it.

That's why when Arsenal does well I feel so good too. In fact, when I've had the most hope in Arsenal in the past it's when I have come out to myself, as non-binary first after going 20+ games unbeaten under Emery in 2018, and as a non-binary woman now, in this shining stage of Arteta's process. I love Arsenal because I love myself and vice-versa. That's why it's so important that, when Arsenal's run of form ends, I remember that appreciation is my bridge to abundance.

Extra note: I have been advised to keep an eye out for the bridges I will build in May. I wonder if that's related to the EPL season ending and having to appreciate Arsenal's season—my own journey—regardless of the position they finish in. To learn to appreciate the journey of being myself regardless of 'where' I am in this journey in May. Maybe?

Extra extra note: watching Arsenal with someone who knows knows me is beautiful. I get to share this journey, literally my trans journey with someone who loves me and without shame is big!