Economies of Desiring

 It feels like a while since the last Arsenal game and a lot has happened!

Arsenal were almost there on New Year's against Manchester City and now, 9 days later, a game will be played against Nottingham Forest after our game vs Liverpool got postponed. In the meantime, I got Covid, the Vlahovic saga boomed, and chaos of all sorts has been unleashed. It feels like I've been waiting a while for this game - particularly with isolation, as there's not much to do or see.

In a way, my experience with Arsenal is rooted in an experience of waiting: waiting for the next game, waiting for the next signing, waiting until we play Champions League football again, waiting until our young players peak, and so on. There's much to be said about the ways Arsenal has taught me both patience and to appreciate the journey when the destination is uncertain. 

But sometimes, it is indeed about getting there: Tomorrow there will be a game. This might be the season we return to the Champions League. What happens when we get there? These destinations are not ending points, but new beginnings—being there will never be simply about being there and that's a reality shock I sometimes have to grapple with. Tomorrow Arsenal is playing Nottingham Forest, and as much as it is expected to win, games require patience and an open mind to be truly enjoyed. New beginnings require that too. 

Being trans, in that sense, resembles being an Arsenal fan in some ways. Arsenal, a team of potentialities and becomings, is almost certain to always have things to improve on. Maybe Vlahovic and a midfielder are what the squad needs to improve, but we they come here new possibilities will be opened. And so on. Many times I've told myself that the next step is the step I've been waiting for: living alone, trying new pronouns, coming out to the next person in my intimate circles! And so on. But as with Arsenal, every step is always about new possibilites.

Being trans and Arsenal, thus, appear to be an economy of desire: there's always a desire to keep moving closer to 'the destination', and different kinds of investment (more effort on the field, more money in the transfer market, more emotions to be explored) get us there. But I wonder what it would mean to treat desire as a sufficient part of the experience? To desire to be a beautiful woman when I begin living alone next week as intensely as I desire Arsenal to win tomorrow and sign a prolific striker can be in their own terms a place to inhabit. Desire fills me with imagination, energy, life, and hope. Ultimately, utopia lives in desire. Isn't that enough? What does departing from the premise that it is enough entail?

As an Arsenal fan and as a trans woman, I have learned to be patient and appreciate the journey, but there's always the premise of a destination that is not-yet here. In terms of gender identity, I've learned that wanting to be who I am is enough of a claim to be myself. I owe my past self nothing, and constantly renewing myself and becoming new people is what living my life in non-binary and beautiful ways is all about. How can I translate that to my experience as an Arsenal fan?